If you haven’t been to many funerals, it’s natural to wonder what’s expected. The most important thing is simply to be there. Here’s a short guide.
What to wear
Dark, simple and modest clothing is always appropriate: a suit or dark jacket, or a dark dress or pantsuit. For a funeral Mass or other religious service, dress more formally and keep shoulders covered. Some families ask guests to wear a certain color; follow the family’s wishes if they share them.
What to say to the family
- “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- “I loved [name]. I’ll always remember…”
- “I’m thinking of you.”
Keep it short. A hug, a handshake or simply being present means a great deal. Avoid phrases like “I know how you feel” or “Everything happens for a reason.”
At a wake or visitation
Sign the guest book, greet the family, and pay your respects at the casket if you’re comfortable doing so. You don’t need to stay long; 15 to 30 minutes is usual.
At a funeral Mass or service
Arrive a little early, silence your phone, and sit toward the back unless you’re close family. If the service follows customs you don’t know, follow the lead of those around you. Guests of other faiths are always welcome.
At a graveside service
Graveside services are usually short. Wear comfortable shoes, and dress for the weather.
Flowers and gifts
Flowers can be sent to the funeral home or the family’s home. Check the obituary first: some families ask for donations to a charity instead.
If you can’t attend
Send a card or a note, call the family, or watch the service online if it’s being live-streamed.
Find service details for someone we’re caring for on our obituaries page.